So this weekend has been a hectic one to say the least, 2 consecutive nights of planned drinking.
On Friday night I had plans to watch a football game with my partner and his family, Im not a huge fan of sports but I entertain the idea of it for my partners sake. We set off to the pub to make it in time for kick off and the weather was absolutely terrible. The winds where so strong it was nearly pulling me over and the rain was only light but because of the wind it hit my face like tiny swords. All the effort I made to look nice went out the window within 5 minutes. And to make matters worse my football fanatic Fiance was making me walk too fast when I was walking in heels, next thing I know I’m face down on the wet floor wrenching in pain as I hit my already injured knee on the pavement. He just stood there staring at me saying come on get up, when I obviously needed assistance! so In the end I just snapped at him and said well help me get up then to which he replied, I cant pull you up by myself your too heavy. After I finally got up and after the mini argument in the street which was obviously so loud a man and his dog came out the house nearest to us and asked if I was ok and my reply was a moody “yes I’m fine!”which I now regret snapping at the stranger who was just being nice. We finally got to the pub just after kick off which was all my fiance was interested in still, I was drenched from the pavement I fell on and looked a complete mess from the weather. I just sat there most of the night in a foul mood.
The next night was a get together at the pub for my fiances mums birthday, It started out to be a nice evening until my partner bumped into some friends at the pub and spend most of the night leaving me with his family whilst he socialised with his friends. don’t get me wrong I enjoy his family’s company and I have no issue with his friends there nice too. It was the fact that we were there for his mums birthday and he spent the entire evening sat with someone else, to me I find that incredibly rude! Not only that but he had gone to the bar to get me a drink and instead of bringing it back to me he just sat with his mates and in the end my sister in laws boyfriend walked over to the table and got my drink for me. anyway I obviously didn’t say anything as i didn’t want an argument there and then. When we all decided to leave we were all sat in a group and matt had brought his friends over to sit with us for the last 10 minutes we were there. He decided to invite them back to his house for some drinks which wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t for the fact only a couple of weeks ago his dad said he wasn’t aloud to drink in the house and make noice all night let alone invite more people back. In the end it was a nice evening and obviously i enjoyed myself as it wasn’t me that was going to be in trouble. I convinced him to text his dad to warn him of who was here and what we were doing before he got home which worked as his dad was appreciative of the warning and said to clean up after and keep the noise down. when the night came to an end and everyone left we headed up to bed and that was when I decided to bring up everything, he was drunk and was acting like a child putting his fingers in his ears and trying to bring up times where i’ve behaved similar to shift the blame from him to me. He then couldn’t accept what I had said and stormed off and went on a walk. I tried to call him to get him home but he ignored me, at that point I was tired and fed up so I went to sleep. Now its Sunday and have woken up with bad anxiety, I was worried about him getting told off from his parents which effects me as I was staying over. I was still pissed off that he behaved like this all weekend and upset at the fact we didn’t spend much time together.
anyways thats enough ranting for one day, first world problems and all that.
see you soon, A xx
The other day my mum said something to me that really made me think.
She said “stop using anxiety or depression as an excuse for your actions, your making yourself believe you have a mental illness”. Part of what she’s saying makes sense, I understand why she would say something like that. I know I have anxiety and depression, I have been diagnosed by a medical professional that has prescribed me medication to help ease my symptoms. BUT the reason I’m saying I understand her words is because I need to learn to separate my mental health from normal traits such as laziness, being tired, not wanting to do something out of personal gain. Of course both of these go hand in hand but its about realising that waking up in the morning because I have something planned Is going to be difficult and I will feel like sleeping in. Not just because I’m depressed and want to sleep the day away but because I’m a normal person, everyone has felt like this in the morning. When situations like this occur I need to slap myself in the face and say THIS IS A NORMAL FEELING! NOW GET UP LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD HAVE TO EVERYDAY.
I had an interview for a job yesterday and I absolutely smashed it, just need to go in to an assessment day with them tomorrow and as long as that goes smoothly I will be starting by the end of the month. So to conclude why these two paragraphs go together.. I need to learn that most people don’t want to wake up in the morning and drag them selfs to work but they do it, because its apart of living. So thats my new moto for things to come.
see you soon, A xx
So today I slept in as per usual.. I had plans to see my partner in town for a coffee at our usual spot to apply for jobs and do my blog.
I almost bailed on the plan as I had already slept most my morning/day away but I decided not to let myself down and my partner down. So I got up, showered and headed into town to our spot. As I set up my laptop which coffee in hand I received a call from a job I had previously applied for offering me a telephone interview. The job is ideal for my circumstances at the moment and I feel It would be ideal. Funny thing is its opposite the road from my previous job that i recently left due to anxiety. But now that I have a future goal I feel I would be able to handle it this time. Anyway I’m jumping way too far ahead lets see how the phone interview goes. Also made the decision to come off my meds which could be great or terrible, I haven’t been very good at taking them every day and it’s been really messing with my head so I decided to just go cold turkey. I know this will be hard for the first few weeks but I can get through it and it will feel nice to be completely drug free and try and find myself again.
Wish me luck!
see you soon, A xx
Today I went to an appointment at my local job centre as I’m having to claim whilst I’m unemployed and looking for work.
At least I have a rough idea of what I want to do with my future now which is keeping me positive. Soon I’ll receive a date for my college interview and fingers crossed I will be able to get in to start in September this year. All I need to do in the meantime is keep positive and look for a part time job to get me back into a routine. I’m wanting to start getting back into fitness as I’m constantly tired at the moment and I just want to gain some energy back again. I’m not going to lie I have a terrible diet and level of fitness. It’s so hard to figure out where to start with getting back into shape and good health and finding the motivation inside to begin. It’s even more of a struggle when I’m battling with daily anxiety and depression struggles, I can’t sleep at night and then in the morning I just sleep in until late afternoon. My diet during the day consists of snacking on junk and then having the last meal of the day which is usually nothing extremely healthy but easy to whip up. I suppose I Just need to remind myself that whilst I’m sleeping the day away, shut away in these four walls I may as well be dead because I’m definitely not living. And If thats the case then I either need to do something about it and kick my life back into action or make the decision to shut down completely and end my story.
Struggled to get into todays blog post but hopefully my next one I’ll have more to say.
See you soon, A xx
So a lot has happened in the last few days, at one point I felt nothing would change for me and now a little speck of light has opened in my future.
So I decided to be strong and reach out to my brother and tell him I’m struggling at the moment. I chose that the best way to do this would be to show him my blog as it can be hard to explain on the spot whats going on in that crazy head of mine. His response was a real eye opener for me, he explained that I expressed on here that I feel I have no support in my life. This hurt me as I don’t want my family to think they haven’t been there for me, because they have. My siblings have always tried to give me advice, comfort me and show me they care but I have always let it go over my head and returned to my old ways. Another point my brother expressed was that I inherit some bad traits from my mother. As much as I love my mum and how she has been the only parent to stick around in my life no matter how much I have acted out she has some issues in her life that do effect me. She sleeps a lot and has bad eating habits, she has always jumped job to job and she has some serious money issues. when thinking about myself I see a lot of her in me lately, We are both bad for each other but I’m in no position to move out to change that.
Since she has been on holiday I have had some time to think alone about my future and what I want. My brother discussed how much uni had helped him In his life and that inspired me to look up on the possibility of going to uni and what I would want to study. After the research I took a passion to one of the courses, ‘English Literature with creative writing. I have always loved writing, thats why I write this blog because its an outlet but also a hobby. In school my English teacher expressed how natural I was at writing and even though my attitude was shocking in school English was the only subject I got a top grade in effortlessly. Thats when Inspiration really hit me and I decided to pursue this idea. After talking to a lecturer for the course we figured that unfortunately I don’t have enough grades to be able to get in for this year. She suggested I do an access course first and that would give me a chance at getting in for next year. Straight away I applied to my local college and now its just a waiting game.
Fingers crossed for me..
See you soon, A xx
So I read a blog post on here today that got me thinking.
22 productive things to do when your feeling lost and don’t know whats next. It’s a self help list of things to do to get you through that stage. one of the things suggested was to make a list of 10 things that are worrying you, heres my list.
- money- not being able to pay my bills
- my dark thoughts and what it may lead me to do
- my lack of care for my health and wellbeing
- not becoming something my family can be proud of
- losing matt (my fiance)
- being unlikable
- carrying on like this ( going around in circles in life)
- never being good enough – my beauty and my brains
- not being able to get past my mental health issues and my past
- having no passionate skills to progress in a career or personally (like art or playing an instrument ect)
When I look at this list i feel empty like I have no idea where to start to change this list, I feel lost in how to make things better. Im worried that i’ll never be able to change the things on this list, but i need to not give up. At least i made this list and i know my worries in life, its just about getting past this list and making a change.
See you soon, A xx
So today was meant to be my first day back at my job starting with a new training group (as previously explained in my last blog post).
Guess who lied to everyone and didn’t go? me obviously. the anxiety got the better side of me and i actually went to the extent of creating a fake email address from my employer and wrote an email to myself saying they no longer wished to keep me on so that i could have proof to the people around me that i didn’t fuck it up its them that did. Thats how bad my anxiety has got that i am lying to the people around me about whats going on with my life. The only person who knows is my partner, he’s very supportive luckily and agree’s this job isn’t the right thing for me at the moment.
My parents are going away on holiday for two weeks tomorrow which is the perfect time for me to be alone and figure out what i’m doing. Realistically I’m wanting a part time job so that i can ease myself back into employment this time and get myself into a routine. It all depends if i can find anything suitable. I need to find a job soon as i need to start making money in order to pay my bills!
Until next time, A xx